It has been two years since my friend and almost sister
passed away. Today and most other days throughout the year, I remember her.
Some of you know I've been moving and while getting "the last little bit" I began shoving a bunch of random stuff in a box. This actually reminded me of her... When I was in high school, she
helped us move and I was mortified by her moving tactics. She literally filled a box by throwing random stuff in it. No rhyme or reason. No organization. Just pick something up and throw it in. Before you knew it, I was moved out. I
repeated these steps about a week ago, throwing odds and ends into a box from
my sister’s place to a new home and couldn’t help but laugh that her tactics actually worked for me. It was also more motivation, for the dreaded unpacking.
I think about her when I grab my keys, her smile attached to
my keychain. I hear her rapping when my iTunes is on shuffle and my Uncle Rob’s version of “Lean
on Me” comes on. Sometimes I can still see her piercing green eyes. But in all
instances of her I always see her lively personality. Kayla will forever be
remembered and forever imprinted on our hearts.
But somehow that is not enough.
I am not satisfied will just remembering her. I want her
life to be carried on somehow because it was cut short.
The only way I know how to do that, is to first be healed
from the hurt and the grief that comes from loss. Now, I’m not saying that I don’t
still have moments of grieving and sadness, because Lord knows I do, but the
heaviness of grief has to be released before moving forward.
There are two things that I’ve learned since losing Kayla.
Disclaimer: these truths are not monumental. They are actually pretty basic.
But experiencing them is similar to experiencing the Grand Canyon. I can show
you pictures all day, but until you actually go there yourself, I don’t think
you’ll understand the true vastness and beauty that it holds.
Okay, moving on, landing the plane…
First truth: God is present. All the time. Everywhere.
Psalm 139
“Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascent to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the
uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there your hand shall lead me,
And your right hand shall hold me.
If I say ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me,
And the light about me be night,’
Even the darkness is not dark to you;
The night is bring as the day,
For darkness is as light with you.”
When I remember where I was when I found out about Kayla’s
passing, it’s a challenge to see that God was right there with me. But I claim
the truth of it anyways.
When I think about her final days, her final hours, her last
breath, it’s a challenge to see that God was right there with her. But I claim
the truth of it anyways.
And when the grief rises up in me and sometimes it hurts to
breathe, it’s hard to imagine how grieved God was when she breathed her last
breath, when Christ breathed his last breath, but I claim the truth of it
anyways.
Which leads me to revelation number two:
God's ways are higher than my ways.
Isaiah 55
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
Neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are my ways higher than your ways
And my thoughts than your thoughts"
This one is the newest revelation. I still have quite a few
questions that begin with the word ‘why’. But I am learning to let go of the
things that I do not know and hold fast to the things that I do know. For one
of the things that I do know is that I do not know a lot and I’m coming to
terms with being okay with this.
So on days like today, I remember Kay, but I also choose to
remember and believe that God is doing something great even her absence, even making a difference in those that knew her, making a difference in my hometown. Praying for number 7 on
my goal list tonight, in honor of Kayla.
Here’s to making a difference and remembering those we lost
tragically too soon, but most of all, remembering things we know are true.
Quite possibly my favorite picture of the two of us
