Leave it to a Carrie Underwood song to bring me to tears-
joyful tears. These tears have been foreign to me for quite some time. Lately, I have
cried mostly tears of pain and hurt, sadness, frustration, devastation, all
complied on top of one another. So when joyful tears began I was caught of
guard, unaware that streams were trickling down my cheeks.
For the past week or so, I have been reading Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts. Her voice tells the
story of her every day life and her journey of learning of the word
eucharisteo. I won’t completely spoil the book here, but this word is derived, in the
Greek, from the words grace, thanksgiving, and joy. In the meaning of the word she was challenged to start
something she now calls the Joy Dare- a challenge to count 1000 blessings in
her life. Others have joined in this dare, I have remained hesitant- feeling
that in this broken world of pain, loss, sadness there is next to nothing to be
thankful for.
This morning I read this from her chapter on trust
“Trauma’s storm can mask the Christ and feelings can lie. I draw all the hurting voices close and I touch their scars with a whisper: sometimes we don’t fully see that in Christ, because of Christ, through Christ, He does give us all things good- until we have the perspective of years.
In time, years, dust settles.
In memory, ages, God emerges.
Then when we look back, we see God’s back.
Wasn’t that too His way with Moses? ‘When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back’ (Exodus 33:22-23).
Is that it? When it gets dark, it’s only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand? In the pitch, I feel like I’m falling, sense the bridge giving way, God long absent. In the dark, the bridge and my world shakes, cracking dreams. But maybe this is true reality: it is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can’t see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us, I-beam supporting in earthquake. Then He will remove His hand. Then we will look.
Then we look back and see His back.”
This passage filled my eyes with painful tears, the kind
that hurt. Because being in the dark isn’t any fun for anyone. Frustrated for having to
wait to see God in the darkness, I finished the chapter I went about my day
off.
Dishes. Email. Shower. Clean room.
And then I returned to the open book. Next to my laptop
about to read a new article on a blog, with a cool glass of water, left over music
still playing, and a soft breeze circulating the apartment through open
windows.
And that’s when I realized all the gifts that God has given
me. My eyes were open to all the ways that He loves me, in the small ways.
So without hesitation here are the things I’m thankful for
on a random Tuesday afternoon- all the ways that God chose to love me today.
a good book
warm weather with a cool breeze
lyrics from songs that cut the heart
a place to call home
cool, refreshing water to the lips
a laptop to help me be productive and keep me connected
a phone that plays music and takes pictures
windows that let life in
showers in the middle of the day
my roommate’s plants that have yet to die
sunshine, pure and simple
a comfy couch to read good books on
pillows- because every comfy couch needs them
pictures of people I love
days off work
waking up without an alarm
fresh coffee from a French press
a roommate to share the morning with
refrigerator full of wedding and baby announcements
dishes fresh from the dish washer
fun skirts and sparkly tops
And so my own Joy Dare journey begins. I will fight this
battle, in the dark. I refuse to be swallowed up by hurt and lack of motivation. LORD
willing, I will replace this doubt, fear, pain and frustration, with grace,
joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and love.
God, this life of mine is broken. Filled with so much
pain. I have felt alone and abandoned in more ways than I care to count. Open
my eyes to the gifts that you have freely given to me. The eyes of my heart are
covered, blinded to the goodness of your character and your precious gifts.
God, give me new eyes. Wipe my lens clean so that I can see you. Without your
eyes I am lost. God, I am reminded that all of this is only possible because of
Jesus- the One who knows all too well the feelings of being abandoned, hurt. He
was abandoned. For me. Thank you Jesus for the Cross. For your salvation. That
all these gifts, all the ways that you love me, is ultimately because you first
gave your life as a gift. The best gift. Help me to see you in my moments, in
my days, in the gifs. Amen.
