Presence in the Present

Wednesday morning, I found myself surrounded by 15 other women of varying ages. At the very youthful age (had to force myself to say that one) of 26, I was the youngest in the room. We were in a computer room to learn a new program for work. From all different departments, it was obvious we had one thing in common: no one wanted to be there.

Our trainer tried to lighten the mood and asked us to go around and introduce ourselves, what department we were from and answer an icebreaker question. No one likes icebreaker questions. It requires vulnerability on some level. It breaks the ice, and forces us out of the typical response: “Hi. I’m Erin. I work in Neurosurgery. At south campus”.

The dreaded question:

“If you could choose to go into the past or future, which would you choose?”

*Please note the “why” is not included. It was not included as a part of the original question on Wednesday, but it worked itself into the answers of co-workers.

I’m not here to write about my response, because it was lighthearted and fun, the route I typically take with a room full of strangers, and I thought the purpose of the question in the first place. A rule follower and a protector of oneself. That’s me.

As I sat and listened to others respond to the question, I was saddened by their answers. The room was pretty evenly divided between choosing the past and choosing the future. But across the board, almost every answer was a way to escape the reality of the present.

Oh, how my heart broke for these women. Sure, they are older and have much more life experience than me. Don’t get me wrong; I have had my fair share of pain, regret, loss, and hardships. Are there things that I wish I could go back and change? Sure, but returning to change them would give me a different reality today. Do I look forward to things that will happen in this life? Sure do, but definitely not going to miss the moments that get me there.

Back to my co-workers. I admire their vulnerability to include answers to questions that were not asked. For those returning to the past, most were returning to a time when a loved one was still alive, to capture their smile one more time. Sit with them one more time. Eat one of their meals one more time. For those that chose the future, they wanted to get through life and get to their retirement, live on a beach somewhere with no cares.

Their responses made me realize that we, as a culture, have become numb to our present. We become numb because of our past: we live with so much regret and pain that we can’t fully engaged with the life at our fingertips. And no, I don’t mean your smartphone. We become numb because of our false hope in the future. What a lie to live for a retirement, or a season, that may not come, that may not satisfy. The present should be our least numb state. And it has become quite the contrary. We live in fantasy lands of “what could’ve been”, “what I should’ve said” and “one day when” instead of realizing that the only life we have is now. I’m not saying you shouldn’t think of loved ones who have passed and life choices you could change or not hope for things, or not plan for things. I’m simply suggesting that it is a new day. Not yesterday and not a day to come. Today.

I do not intend to preach, or yell at you to put your phone down, lay off Facebook for a while, or call a friend you haven’t spoken to in some time, but if that is what you are convicted about since reading, then I will leave that between you and God.

My intention, and prayer really, is to come face to face with your present, whatever that may be. If you stop for just a moment and look you will see the beauty of the mess that your past has created and that your future holds.

A peak into my immediate present: 

(outside of my computer and typing), my present is a sink of dirty dishes; only some of them are mine. An empty Starbucks cup. It used to have water. Can I get a refill? My left-over dinner-for-one dinner plate, still on the table, that still has some chocolate crumbs from part of a Hershey’s bar I ate for dessert. Johnnyswim Pandora station. My sound track- a must-listen-to! The sun is setting; some storm clouds are still out even though the rain has subsided. Would you believe me that my phone is less that a foot from my reach. I’m not expecting any calls tonight, but I wouldn’t dare leave the room without it. I spoke to soon; the rain is back. Thanks, Florida. Upstairs, I have a basket of clean clothes that are waiting to be put away. Books that are waiting to be picked up again, waiting to be read. There are gifts that are sitting unwrapped for friends and an unmade bed (sorry Mom) with pillows tossed calling my name… 

THIS is my present. Are there things I would change from my past? Yes! Probably should have put those clothes away a few days ago, whoops! Are there things I look forward to? Yes! My friends’ expression of opening unexpected gifts. 

But given the chance to rewind or fast-forward, I wouldn’t. This is my reality. This is who I am, an accurate picture, actually.

I’m pretty satisfied with my present. It is more beautiful because of the things that surround it. Take a look. What beauty is in your present?

Throwback Thursday

I don’t always throw it back on Thursdays, but when I do…

It was one year ago today that I landed in Florida. Jill and I had just crossed the boarder from Georgia to Florida. It was raining. Because in September, in Florida, it rains. All the time. We had tried to stop at the actual boarder, which was in fact a bridge. According to the sign, there was no stopping on the bridge. A few miles down we stopped at the visit center instead. It had briefly stopped raining. Cloudy. We pulled our jackets from the back of the car (because in California when it's cloudy you grab your jacket), zipped up, open the doors and….

Humidity. We quickly lost our jackets and became instantly sticky. A true Florida welcome. After grabbing a few pictures we hopped back in the car to continue driving to Orlando and finally to Tampa.

My sweet Jill, I could not have done that trip without you. Could not have done the transition without you. We go together in the way that friends go together...

As much as I loved that road trip, the real adventure took place after I said goodbye to my co-pilot and embarked on doing life in Florida. It has been everything but easy, but so worth every moment. 

a true throwback, when we may have broke some laws... 

A few weeks ago, I was visiting with my new Pastor and his wife in the hospital (she had given birth to their 2^nd baby girl and I was on my lunch break). We chatted about my move and what brought me to Florida. He commented on my fitting in well with the church, and making friends. I agreed and said, “Well it’s hard not to love me.”

No, I didn’t actually say that.

This sweet girl is going to have a lot of little baby boys to fight off. 

In real life, I briefly explained some tactics, learned from Cru, initiation, finding a church and keeping in touch with close friends to keep me accountable to explain my fitting in so well. But it really is by the grace of God that Florida has become home.

Pastor Aaron said he was glad I chose Florida. So am I. Here’s a recap of how I came to that conclusion. #sorryimnotsorry for the length.

*This is not a complete list. If I could name all the things and all the people, well, we’d be here for days. 

**It should be noted, that I could do without the bugs in Florida, but if they must stay, then I will suck it up and keep swatting away.

Clouds. Yes, the clouds are spectacular. I don’t know what it is but I love the rain clouds, the see-through clouds, the ones that look like you can nap on them, and the ones that are kind of just there. And I love when you can see all of them at once.

one of many examples of sweet clouds

Church. Is awesome. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been to and a part of some pretty awesome churches, but Radiant is awe.some. I can’t really describe being apart of a group of people that are truly... well, radiant… see what I did there? That’s a really good place to clap.

 Dream Team Summer 2014. A church plant 1 year old and already at 3 services, only by God's grace and some pretty awesome people (pictured above). 

Chunky-monkey (and other little ones). These little ones have been so fun to be around. I’m still working on being the cool-fun aunt. We’ll get there. But for now I just love squeezing my baby nephew, taking my niece for Irish Mint frozen yogurt and playing with my little red headed nephew, when he lets me.

kaden, mackenzie, bryson <3 

Companions. Honestly, finding new friends in Florida was one of my greatest fears: what if my California friends forget about me and what if the people in Florida don't like me?... Well, the verdict is in and my fears have been silenced. And I’m pretty sure at least some of them like me…

cara and i... our better side

patty, cara, hannah, me, and shannon. so many connections. so many colliding worlds.

girls night out. so long insecurity! Jamie, Michelle (almost roomie), Shantel, Cara, me, Elissa, Amy

couldn't find a good picture with the Ley family, so this one of Kinlee will have to do for now. 

**again, couldn't fit everyone, but stay tuned for more

Career. Next to finding friends, this was probably the hardest part about moving to a new place. Well, maybe they tied for first. I really do love my job. It was a rough 6 months at first, figuring out the company, policies, co-workers, but it has been such a great learning experience... “USF Health, Department of Neurosugery, This is Erin… Oh you want to schedule surgery?... What’s your date of birth… yeah lemme place you on hold for just a moment…" (this is when the cute resident walks by, I smile and say hi) "…Thank you for holding, let me check with Dr. Smith about dates and I’ll give you a call back... Okay, thank you, have a great day, bu-bye”

Okay, okay… aside from answering phones all day and saying hi to the residents that walk by, my job has been great. I learned to say cool words like "spondylolisthesis," and schedule things like MRIs and surgeries that include "Deep Brain Stimulator Placement & Internalization". I literally work with brain surgeons. Yes, most of them fit the stereotype. Sure can do brain surgery, but doesn't know how to work the fax. It's fun, and I kinda like being the hero of the saving the day, to show them how to properly fax something. And it doesn’t hurt to have a decent paycheck with decent benefits and to be able to go out for drinks every now and then after work with fun co-workers. Whoa… it’s like I’m a grown up or something.

this picture has not been altered in anyway. i turned around from my computer and found this mess. please note, that papers that fell inside that slightly cracked drawer are not shown. this has happened more than once. 

Castle. Well not completely, but it feels like that sometimes. I moved out of my sisters and found a gorgeous room for rent in a home that overlooks the river, with a pool (that I have yet to swim in) and the best part is, I have pretty incredible roommates. And I know incredible roommates, from experience. My room is not yet ready to be revealed publicly, but please enjoy this view from my kitchen sink instead. 

am i spoiled or what?

Consanguinity. Found that one in the dictionary. Boom… My sister has been nothing short of a blessing. But when we argue, a blessing in disguise. She is my financial advisor, my life coach, my sister and my friend.  I don’t think I would have made it, if someone weren’t yelling at me to get off the couch. You’re the best. And Chance too. He helped.

none of us know where to look when taking a selfie. 

Christ, lastly and most importantly. To be honest, I left Florida on a “hunch”. Not really sure what I was doing, I decided to go anyways. And looking back, I’m not sure that I would describe the hunch as the voice of God, but maybe it was. And if it was, well then, I think God knows what he’s doing. I’m so thankful I can’t run from him, no matter how many times, or how hard I try. All in all, I'm thankful for Christ, because without him, all of the above wouldn’t exist, or maybe they would, but they wouldn’t be so great. He makes them beautiful. He makes them beautiful out of rages, dust and hunches, and that is something to be so so so so thankful for. 

Here's to more adventure as a Floridian.

one more from our road-trip, because i just couldn't resist. a kentucky sunrise. 

Remembering Kay

It has been two years since my friend and almost sister passed away. Today and most other days throughout the year, I remember her. 

Some of you know I've been moving and while getting "the last little bit" I began shoving a bunch of random stuff in a box. This actually reminded me of her... When I was in high school, she helped us move and I was mortified by her moving tactics. She literally filled a box by throwing random stuff in it. No rhyme or reason. No organization. Just pick something up and throw it in. Before you knew it, I was moved out. I repeated these steps about a week ago, throwing odds and ends into a box from my sister’s place to a new home and couldn’t help but laugh that her tactics actually worked for me. It was also more motivation, for the dreaded unpacking. 

I think about her when I grab my keys, her smile attached to my keychain. I hear her rapping when my iTunes is on shuffle and my Uncle Rob’s version of “Lean on Me” comes on. Sometimes I can still see her piercing green eyes. But in all instances of her I always see her lively personality. Kayla will forever be remembered and forever imprinted on our hearts.

But somehow that is not enough.

I am not satisfied will just remembering her. I want her life to be carried on somehow because it was cut short.

The only way I know how to do that, is to first be healed from the hurt and the grief that comes from loss. Now, I’m not saying that I don’t still have moments of grieving and sadness, because Lord knows I do, but the heaviness of grief has to be released before moving forward.

There are two things that I’ve learned since losing Kayla. 

Disclaimer: these truths are not monumental. They are actually pretty basic. But experiencing them is similar to experiencing the Grand Canyon. I can show you pictures all day, but until you actually go there yourself, I don’t think you’ll understand the true vastness and beauty that it holds.

Okay, moving on, landing the plane…

First truth: God is present. All the time. Everywhere.

Psalm 139

“Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascent to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

Even there your hand shall lead me,

And your right hand shall hold me.

If I say ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me,

And the light about me be night,’

Even the darkness is not dark to you;

The night is bring as the day,

For darkness is as light with you.”

When I remember where I was when I found out about Kayla’s passing, it’s a challenge to see that God was right there with me. But I claim the truth of it anyways.

When I think about her final days, her final hours, her last breath, it’s a challenge to see that God was right there with her. But I claim the truth of it anyways.

And when the grief rises up in me and sometimes it hurts to breathe, it’s hard to imagine how grieved God was when she breathed her last breath, when Christ breathed his last breath, but I claim the truth of it anyways.

Which leads me to revelation number two:

God's ways are higher than my ways.

Isaiah 55

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

Neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are my ways higher than your ways

And my thoughts than your thoughts"

This one is the newest revelation. I still have quite a few questions that begin with the word ‘why’. But I am learning to let go of the things that I do not know and hold fast to the things that I do know. For one of the things that I do know is that I do not know a lot and I’m coming to terms with being okay with this.

So on days like today, I remember Kay, but I also choose to remember and believe that God is doing something great even her absence, even making a difference in those that knew her, making a difference in my hometown. Praying for number 7 on my goal list tonight, in honor of Kayla.

Here’s to making a difference and remembering those we lost tragically too soon, but most of all, remembering things we know are true.

Quite possibly my favorite picture of the two of us

25 for 25

Half a century. It’s hard to believe that I’m 25. Just now letting that number sink in. I used to think of being 25 as some far off age, where you are finally on your own and you can rent a car. I thought 25 was some mystical age, it’s a milestone really. But whatever I thought about 25 doesn’t matter as much as actually being 25. Living for 25. Can we take a moment and celebrate that I’ve actually made it this far?

Among those 25 years I have had countless memories and have done so many things, had so many opportunities that I am beyond thankful for… 
breaking my arm 
learning to drive a car before I was legal
cheering in high school
going to a great college
going to Germany and France
going to South Africa (twice, um hello gratitude) 
learning to play and do countless sports
leaning to play the guitar, sort of
driving across the country
moving in with my sister
the list goes on, really....

But perhaps the greatest opportunity of all was the acceptance of myself as sinner, and Christ as Savior. Some of the previous opportunities mentioned wouldn’t have been made possible without this opportunity in the first place. (Hello, grace upon grace upon grace).

It has been a long winded journey to pass through this age, and never has there been a time such as this. And I find myself in disbelief. Disbelief that I’m actually this old. Disbelief that the best is yet to come. Disbelief that I am who God says I am. Disbelief that God is who He says He is. Disbelief that God is the Good Shepard.

Some of my new friends from Orlando (hey, Orlando friends), shared with me a few weeks ago their words for the year, that they chose on January 1. Words that they would choose to pray and seek the Lord about. Some examples of these words were love, wonder, and opportunity. And I felt like it wasn’t that bad of an idea. SO it is with great excitement that I publicly announce my word for the year (technically, a few months late).


believe


There is this deep longing inside of me to believe God. Not just to know who God is and what he does, but to really know, really believe these things. I want to believe God at his word, the way I believe the grass is green and that the sky is blue, and that the sun is bright and the ocean is deep. There’s a passage in the Bible and this man wants so badly to believe that Jesus can heal his son. And Jesus asks, “Do you believe?” The man’s answer has become and will continue to be my prayer, “Lord I do believe, but help my unbelief.”

Another instance, Jesus blesses those who have not seen and yet believe:

"I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world. And for their sake I consecrate myself, that they also may be sanctified in truth.I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me."
John 17: 15-21

In the spirit of believing God, I did something kind of crazy. I was inspired by this great book called “The Circle Maker” and (spoiler alert) at the end of the book the author shares his list of things that he prays circles around, that he continually lifts up in prayer. And he challenged us to do the same. So I did. Prayerfully I asked God to help me build this list and here it comes. This list is some what of a draft. All these things I hold with open hands and ask that if the Lord wills it, then so be it. I am a willing vessel. And with time I'm sure this list will change or more will be added to it. Some of these things are personal goals, that I know will take much prayer (hello running a half marathon, yeah right, can we start praying about that now?) Feel free to join me in prayer with these things, keep me accountable, or stop reading this and go make your own!

1. Make goals- check that one off my list ;)

2. Debt free by 32

3. Write a book

4. Speak to a crowd of 100+

5. Read all 66 books of the Bible- in a year

6. Paint a sunset live

7. Witness a alcoholic and/or drug abuser give their life to the Christ

8. Work a job where I can make my own hours

9. Own a home with an open door policy

10. Climb a mountain

11. Run a half marathon

12. Invest in The Native Poppy

13. Plant and grow a garden- fruit for me

14. Plant a garden for a future generation

15. Go to Ephesus

16. See Jerusalem

17. Go to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

18. Give away as much as I save

19. Donate my hair

20. Care for my parents, the way they did while I was in school

21. Get my masters

22. Open a rehab center for young adults in SLO

23. See a prayer team formed at Radiant Church

24. See 500 people go through ALPHA at Radiant

25. Go on a missions trip to China

Here’s to celebrating 25 years and all that God has done, and to prayerfully many more years to come, believing God to do immeasurably more than all I could think, ask or imagine.